How much can a polar bear?

How much can a polar bear?

Rod Quantock

1 October 2013

Serious Comedian and Woodford regular Rod Quantock has issued eARTh an exclusive scoop with a questionnaire to challenge all Readers.

Science measures the pulse of the planet. The prognosis: We are about to open the gates of hell and throw our children through them. It’s the climate, you see, we’re changing it, and as far as the climate is concerned a change is as good as a holocaust. But before we go any further, take a moment to complete the following questionnaire:

I, (insert name)
a) don’t expect to be alive in 2050.
b) do expect to be alive in 2050.

If you answered a) you’re a winner!
You have lived a full, happy, healthy life in the best of all possible carbon-fuelled worlds. In your wake, a decades-long trail of ecological devastation and carbon dioxide emissions. But hey, you won’t be around when the CO2 really hits the fan, so jackpot, you win! If you don’t want to know what happens when the CO2 really hits the fan, and believe me, you don’t, stop reading now. Spare yourself the torments of pitiless despair and remorseless guilt and watch a kitten on YouTube. We’ll give you a minute. Tick, tick, tick, tick, tick. If you’re still reading, why don’t you join those who answered b) and follow me?

Okay, here we are. Make yourselves comfortable; tea, coffee and Nembutal are over there. Right, let’s not beat around the bushfires — the climate is changing. The science has been in for decades, and not just any science, it’s every science: physics, chemistry, biology, geology, palaeontology, microbiology, meteorology and a hundred other mutually informed ‘ologies all know we are changing the climate, how we are changing it and how fast we are changing it. (It’s really fast!)

Nature will be unable to adapt to the speed of the changing conditions in the gas chamber of our choking atmosphere. Forests and reefs will become deserts and icecaps will melt. (Do you really want to be the one who tells the kiddies that Father Christmas drowned?) Everything from worms to civilisation will be extinct within the lifetime of a child born today, and their children, should they make it, will make it with as little as 50 per cent of all things bright and beautiful to keep them company. (Sorry, God!)

The symptoms of our rising fever are evident everywhere — the hottest day, the hottest month, the hottest year, the hottest decade, the longest drought, the worst floods, the worst fires, the worst storms, the highest rate of species extinction. All these symptoms will increase in fury, sweeping away the livelihoods and lives of millions. Hunger, disease and resource wars will take millions more.

If we do nothing about climate change… Incidentally what are we doing about climate change? Altogether now: Nothing! If we do nothing about climate change, by the 2030’s unquenchable bushfires will roar their way into our sprawling outer suburbs, making Black Saturday look like Pancake Tuesday. Tens of thousands will flee the flames to the inner cities. Power will fail, services will collapse, food shortages and heat will gnaw at the population, riots and looting will explode on the streets, and the Australian Tennis Open will be cancelled. And that’s just the beginning of the end! If you answered b), panic!

These are not the rantings of a madman. If you want the rantings of a madman, you’ll have to go to any one of the many deluded fossil fools and unctuous toadies who swing from the teats of the Dark Lords of Carbon.

There is no time for the denier, no room for the sceptic and no punishment too great for the liar. Climate science isn’t a fraud or a swindle, science has no ulterior motive, no hidden agenda. It isn’t a socialist conspiracy to overthrow capitalism or a plot to create a one world government.
Climate scientists aren’t dishonest and they don’t make it up just so they can wallow in the rivers of gold that flow from the public purse into research.

So let’s just get it over and done with now: Anyone who denies human induced climate change is either:

- wilfully ignorant
- a buffoon
- an ex-PR consultant to the tobacco lobby with a lifestyle to maintain or
- a big, fat liar.

Tick a box, deniers and sceptics, and please note you may tick more than one box. Whatever you tick, just shut up. And for the rest of you, start screaming! Oh, and did I mention the oil is running out? Continue screaming.

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